Ever since the start of high school, this girl was the spark of my life. She gave me so much attention, I use to spam Depression (unintentionally) inquiries of how to get over a crush. Most just replied it was infatuated with her. I couldn't get any alleviation over the problem so I kept telling myself that as well. That it was temporarily. This was no elementary love crush. Little did I believe that this problem would persist through out the next years to come.
I do not want to go into depth because I use to write this out millions of times and it got absurd. I became good friends with her in grade 9, now I am in grade 11 and we barely talked to each other in grade 10. She has only talked to me a few times this year in grade 11. She acts like she does not know me, at least I think she does. I felt so close to her at the end of grade 9 so I could only avoid her for the next year. I had no chance, she already found out I liked her at the end of my freshmen year and she avoided me, hence why I need to get out of this situation.
So she really gave me special attention all the time. That is what I admired most about her, her outgoing personality. Like they say, not a day goes by without thinking about her. I use to think that was a load of crap, but apparently not. Fantasizing about her drowns me into my dreams. Right now she has a boyfriend. I recently started thinking about her more and more seriously and it is beginning to hurt me. Imagine that. You think you get over a girl but it comes back to bite you in the ass a few years later.... and she doesn't even talk to me anymore. I just want to wrap my arms around her. Honestly, I got so aroused being around her near the end of grade 9. You know what happens to guys when they see someone real hot, right... Yeah... well that sort of made me have to hide things, physically too. That sounds sort of sick, but I never felt that way about her before. It grew on me as I got to know her better and socialized more with her. I believe what I am going through is true love, and never experiencing a relationship once in my life, I was NOT prepared for it. I have no idea how to talk to women.
On the topic of that, I am not so popular. My exterior look is not so great. Don't you hate those jokes you would get when a bunch of girls and a few guys decide to throw some class jokes around? Yeah, who would you marry if you were stuck on an island with... It was between me and some locally developed student in the class, who I assume did not look too shabby himself. I felt remorse for him, but at the same time I could not help but get that painful feeling deep down inside, like nothing else mattered to me but this silent revelation. I was speechless. Grade 7, worse year of my life. The whole class taunted me and I am not about to go into any specific thing. The way I talk, walk, think, look, you name it. I only asked a girl out once in grade 6. It ended up with not only rejection, but the entire class following me at lunch recess trying to exploit it. Girls pretended to be interested in me. So I guess you could say I pick up my depressive outlook on life from those experiences, they only got worse as I grew older.
Now, it is like no one really notices me. I am unimportant. I am the lower class of high school. I really want to end this affection I have for my love. I can't bear it. 4 years... Isn't that awful? I know some people will probably try to top that with 5 years or more. Maybe it is still infatuation, I don't know. I'm just a regular guy with few friends. Nothing too exciting happens in my life. I would do so much just to spend a night with her. A nice evening, finishing off with a quiet night while we cuddle and express our...love, heh. She is Asian, I find her very cute. I don't think that matters... I don't think anyone would really perceive her the same way unless you were overwhelmed by her affection and friendship. I never had too many female friends at all, perh
