A Change of Perspective: Link's Point of View
By: Austin Hale and Graham Johnson
FINALLY!!! We've had some communication problems for a while, but we're back and we've got a brand new humor for y'all. With all of Link's sword fighting, sea-sailing, princess/Hyrule-saving abilities, we we're wondering... could anyone POSSIBLY fill his boots? And, would Link be able to cope with another's responsibilities? Well, we've taken the time to tell you... YES, HE CAN! But, maybe you can decide that for yourself. I mean really, why listen to us? We start off at the end of an epic battle between Link and his arch-nemesis Ganondorf...
LINK: Well, Ganny. Looks like I've beat you again for like the... (counts on fingers and toes) 13th time this year.
GANONDORF: Curse you Link! For the 13th time....
LINK: Say it...
GANONDORF:.......This year.
LINK: That's better.
GANONDORF: I may be banished to the Sacred Realm now, but I shall return. As long as the Triforce of Power remains in my hands!
LINK: Well, keep coming back then. 'Cause I still have the Triforce of Courage! .... That means I'm not afraid of you!
GANONDORF:.............. CURSE YOU SAGES!!! Curse you Zelda!!! you LINK!!! ....... (Poof, he's gone! For like the 13th time this year)
LINK: Phew! Glad I got that done, now I'm going to-
VOICE FROM THE VOID (VFTV): LINK!
LINK: WHAT!!!!!
VFTV: You beat Ganondorf, good. But there's a disturbance at Zora's Domain. Morpha's back and he's turning the ice left at Zora's Domain--
LINK: You mean the ice that Sheik said would eventually melt but never did.
VFTV: ...Yeah. That ice. Morpha's using it to make snowcones and selling them at an outrageous price.
LINK: But isn't that good? That ice was supposed to go away anyway!
VFTV: NEVERMIND THAT! Just go there and fix it!
LINK: Oh come on Boss. I've been sword fighting, sea-sailing, and princess & Hyrule-saving for 37 ½ hours straight now. I'm going to the break room.
VFTV: Well...ok. But only for 10 minutes.
(And so, we find Link in the Video Game Hero Break Room)
LINK: (As he's walking in) Hey, Samus! Remember, you and me, Friday night.
SAMUS: (Blushing) .......
LINK: Hey Master Chief, I noticed you finally got your katana! Right on!
MASTER CHIEF: And you finally got all your heart pieces. Congrats!
LINK: Yeah, later man! ...... Oh, hey Mario, I had a little accident at Tahoe Joes the other night... could’ve used your plunger there, man.
MARIO: Oh, mama mia!
(Walking down to the end of the room, and making his way through other familiar heroes, he notices... PETER PAN?!! Wait a minute, where did HE come from?)
LINK: (notices) PETER PAN?!! Wait a minute, where did YOU come from?
PETER PAN: Well, Walt Disney turned down an opportunity to make another Kingdom Hearts game, and I'm just passing by here before I go back to Neverland. Say, has Mido ever considered quitting yet?
LINK: Why, you think you can take his job?
PETER PAN: Are you kidding me? I can handle anyone's job from the (in a mocking voice) “Legend of Zelda”...
LINK: What?! You're not man enough to handle my job!
PETER PAN: Well, I do live in Neverland and no one grows up there, so…I guess I’ll never be a man any way you cut it.
LINK: Well, true. The Kokiri forest has the same effect so you’d fit right in.
PETER PAN: Well let’s make things interesting. How about you and I switch jobs, then…
LINK: …then…
PETER PAN: …and that’s it.
LINK: And if you can’t handle my job, you have to take Navi as your fairy forever.
NAVI: HEY!!!!
PETER PAN: And if I win, I get to take Mido’s place as head of the Kokiri children. Which would make me your boss.
LINK: Well then to do this, we’ll need the mother of all gameshark codes.
PETER PAN: No we don’t. I’ll just go through your game door and you go through mine.
LINK: Well where’s yours?
PETER PAN: It’s down the hall second door to the left after Joe from accounting’s office.
LINK: Oh him, right.
PETER PAN: That settles it. May the best man win.
LINK: I plan to.
(Walk through the doors. We find Link in Neverland and Peter Pan in Hyrule. Since this is Links’ portion of the story, we find him with the Lost Boys)
LINK: WAIT A SECOND! This isn’t THE Neverland, is it Lost Boys?
Lost Boy #1 (LB1) Yeah, the very same.
LINK: Well, where’s Michael Jackson?
LB1: Oh no, that’s a different Neverland. Michael Jackson calls his park Neverland because it reminds him of little children that never grow up because he’s a pedophile.
LINK: …oh…That explains things. (twinkle, twinkle) What was that?
LB2: Oh. That’s just Tinkerbell.
LINK: Tinkerbell. What the heck is a Tinkerbell?
LB1: She’s a fairy that follows you around and-
LINK: OH GREAT!!! HERE TOO?!!
LB2: No no, this one’s the upgraded model. This one gives off fairy dust that makes you fly and never talks.
LINK: …NEVER TALKS! Well let’s put that to the test. Hey Tinkerbell, Hylian fairies are so much better than Neverland-ian fairies.
TINKERBELL: …
LINK: Wow. This could work out better than I thought. So come here and give me some of that fairy dust. (Grabs Tinkerbell and shakes her over his head, giving him fairy dust) Hey, I can fly! Ok, here I go…FLY…!
LB1: …
LB2: …
LINK: …Um, why the heck isn’t it working? Is she defective? That’s why Hylian fairies are so much better than Neverlandish fairies.
LB1: No, you’re not doing it right. You have to think of a happy thought. Then you’ll fly like the wind.
LINK: A happy thought you say?
LB1: Yes, any happy thought at all.
LINK: (thinks) …OOOH! Potatoes are ha- (shoots straight up into the air like a rocket, leaving his boots in their places, lands two hours later, THUD!) WOW! That was AWESOME! This stuff works like a charm; way better than that levitation code.
LB2: Told you so.
LINK: Ok, you guys. What seems to be the dilemma here? Is there a princess that needs saving? Or an evil madman running wild, who needs his teeth filed? A moon with a face on it crashing down? That's old school business.
LB1: We don’t have any of that here. Just some stupid pirate threatening to make us file his taxes for him.
LINK: …that’s it?! What’s the rating on this game; EC for “Early Childhood?” Absolutely NO replay value on THIS game.
LB2: Hey, there’s a perfectly good explanation for all this: It’s made by Disney.
LINK: True... veeeeery true. So where can I find this pirate anyway?
LB1: Just ask the Injuns. Follow the path to your right and that’ll lead you straight to their tribe.
LINK: Well, I’m off. Let's go, Tinkerbell.
TINKERBELL: …
(So, we find Link and Tinkerbell on the way up the path to the Indian Village, during which Link tries to have an intelligent conversation with Tinkerbell...)
LINK: Boy Tink, can I call you Tink?
TINK: …
LINK: I’ll take that as a no. I never realized that Neverland was actually a star. That’s pretty cool.
TINKERBELL: …
LINK: Who does your landscaping up here?
TINKERBELL: …
LINK (slightly perturbed): I’m getting a little hungry. Is there anything to eat up here?
TINKERBELL: …
LINK: I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any idea where this Indian village is?
TINKERBELL: …
LINK (getting frustrated): Do you believe in Santa Claus?
TINKERBELL: …
LINK: You don’t talk much, do you?
TINKERBELL: …
LINK: Man, and I thought I was the silent type. I think if we just keep walking a little farther, we should- (falls in hole covered by palm leaves. Indians come out from behind the trees and bushes, chanting and whooping.)
(Later at the Indian Village, we find Link tied up to a totem pole, facing a roaring fire, Indians all around, and face to face with the Indian Chief…)
INDIAN CHIEF: …How?
LINK: …What?
INDIAND CHIEF: …Where?
LINK: …When?
INDIAN CHIEF: …Who?
LINK: …Why?
INDIAN CHIEF: …How?
LINK: You already said “How” you cheater!
